I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She told me I should be a condom model.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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