You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
