Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
