I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
