Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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