worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize