I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
