You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
