My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
