By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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