In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
