ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
