Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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