So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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