I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
