New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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