The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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