there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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