Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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