I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
