I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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