I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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