It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
