I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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