my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Randomize
