Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
