i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
