our cab driver is having phone sex.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
