My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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