Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
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