I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
