My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
