why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
