apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
