If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
