My cat gives me a boner
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
