so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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