I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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