half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
