Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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