She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
