If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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