U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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