I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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