So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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