now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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