I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
