Whatcha textin bout Willis?
it was like eating out sand paper
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
organizing the empties. That sober.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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