There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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