She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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