Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize