drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You pole danced in your parka.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My penis needs a shock collar
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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