pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
