My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize