Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
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