We're like a lot better than the average bears
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
