Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
