Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
