There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
