Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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