Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
