I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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