Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You took a bar mat shot.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
