so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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