some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
