we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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