My hand turned me down
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
