I think I won the penis lottery.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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