goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
