Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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